i'm not one for setting new year's resolutions--this year i set three.
- read one book a month
- ask questions before responding with an answer
- be more detailed oriented
i'm well aware of the golden rule of goal setting: goals should be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time bound. i'm equally aware that only the first goal barely resembles the golden rule and the rest are more like notes to self, but we're about 40 days into the new year and i feel like i'm going strong with goal numero uno! it's only the middle of february and i'm on my 3rd book with another book on deck!
it's worth mentioning that i've been on a spiritual-come-to-jesus-kick.
the first book i read was "the jesuit guide to (almost) everything. the next book was, "pastrix:the cranky, beautiful faith of a sinner and saint" and the book i am currently reading is "meeting jesus again for the first time." on deck we have "the seven storey mountain" (another religious work). oh yeah, books from the bible get peppered in here and there.
my appetite for reading has been insatiable.
perhaps it is because the books i've been reading share a common theme that i found myself giggling over an image of bret michaels, 80's rock band front man and vh1 reality heart throb.
i had just finished reading the jesuit guide to (almost) everything and i had just started reading pastrix. the twitter version of the jesuit guide is "find god in all things, exercise twice a day, and use your imagination" because an important premise of the book IS finding god in all things i made it a point to search for god in the profound and the mundane. we're talking everything from check ins with my supervisor after i just missed an important deadline to making the decision to buy lunch or make lunch (make lunch everyday except bbq pork day or mac n trees day).
pastrix is a spiritual memoir written by pastor nadia bolz weber--a preacher whom i admire. in her book there is a chapter in which she describes her experience as a hospital chaplain and her quest to find god's presence in the face of the unthinkable loss, trauma, pain, etc.
naturally, i tried to do the same.
a little over two years ago my older brother was in a life changing accident. he broke his spine in a car accident and is now paralyzed from the chest down. he spent 3 months in the hospital and one-third of that was spent in the icu of the barrow neurological center in phoenix, arizona.
the icu is set up so that each room is a private room with an individual nurse station just outside of every room. there is a large window that takes up over half the wall allowing the nurse to get a full glimpse of what is going on.
most of the time privacy curtains were closed, shutting out the view.
i'm don't remember when exactly, but at some point a teenage girl came into the icu for a brain injury. my memory around her accident escapes me.
here i am. i've just finished reading a 400 page book about finding god in all things and i've just finished reading a chapter about finding god in hospitals so i tried to find god in my brother's accident.
for whatever reason the memory that surfaced during this exercise was the one described below:
i had just left my brother's room and was taking the long way around to the vending machines to buy a snack. i was boycotting the cafeteria after a less than pleasant experience with a cashier. i exited my brother's room and turned right. made my way around the hallway and circled back around to the other side. i saw the young teenage girl's room. for whatever reason, her curtains were open. i glanced over to see what was going on in her room. her room was packed with people crying. quickly, i averted my eyes and proceeded to the exit and towards the waiting room where there was a vending machine. the hallway was overflowing with teenagers crying--boys and girls consoling each other. she must have died i thought.
at this point in the memory i look up and see this life size cover photo. it's bret michaels.
i'm trying to look back and find god in perhaps one of the most tragic moments in my family's life and the young girl passing away and bret michaels overlooking grief stricken teenagers is what i come up with!
i have to say, the image of bret micheals while searching for god made my laugh uncontrollably. i shared this with my mom and all she had to say was" aye mija! you're weird!" i texted my brother as well and at first there was silence.
i felt insecure and thought it reflected poorly on me. was the memory in poor taste?
then a few days later he texted back saying "bret michaels is an attractive dude even in times of adversity."
that's when it hit me.
i find god, like i find all things, through humor.
humor is such an important part of how i relate to the world around me and humor is what we used to get through a very difficult time. my family and i would spend endless hours debating who should win the puppy challenge. humor is still a very important part of our family dynamic and it's even more important today as we navigate additional unforeseen challenges and circumstances.
it goes without saying that i was able to make the connection for myself that god was there the whole time. he showed up when we need a laugh and he was there when we needed to cry. i am surprised at the image of a blonde haired, blue eyed jesus. not my type to say the least.
besides finding god in all things, including bret michaels, i realized something important about myself: i actually use god to relate to the world. you may have heard me describe this as "the universe" but deep down inside i know i'm talking about god which is why i've begun a period of discernment and i'm looking to find a place in the church.
i actually have no idea what will happen or what i will end up doing but i am comforted by words of thomas merton (march spoiler alert!)
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost... "
i haven't finished reading "meeting jesus again for the first time" so check back in with me in a month to see how i like this other jesus. ;)
-lavila
